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A SURVEY OF NEWS ARTICLES
FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY
PENIS EXTENSION LAGS INFLATION FOR
SIXTY THIRD STRAIGHT YEAR
Surging Dow Wilts on News
Disappointing figures released today confirm that penile growth rates continue to lag far behind increases in the annual Cost of Living index. While markets collapsed, analysts labeled the news "very discouraging."
In Congressional testimony, former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan said "penis deflation" coupled with "dangerous sub-prime penis conditions" constitute a "catastrophe waiting to happen" and the "white, flaccid underbelly of the American dream." He was later overhead to say to a giggling Ben Bernanke, "Personally, I'm hung like a rhino and can rock all night long." The "Sphinx of the Fed" then put both hands behind his head and enigmatically pumped his ancient pelvis for the cameras. Markets briefly swelled on the news. As usual, bond yields fluctuated incomprehensibly.
George W. Bush addressed the issue during his speech to the Lone Star Prairie Oyster Association: "Military tribunals get me darn excited! [the former President grabs crotch and attempts moon-walk; light applause, uncomfortable tittering]. Electric shocks to the privits of foreigners ain't torture! That's jus' our way of saying 'Howdy towel-head! Welcome to our world!' [cheers, standing ovation, flag waving; the president grows solemn] “Now...regarding weenie extending: The Democrats have an itty bitty ... plan. [smirks, holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart; vigorous clapping and rollicking laughter] Under my robust, faith-based and stimbulative ... plan [big grin, hands held wide apart; the rest of his comments is lost amid roars of approval, standing ovation and fog horns]. Mr. Bush went on to speak gravely of the "sanctitudity of prayer" [smattering of applause] “and, most of all, the urgent need for MORE TAX CUTS FOR THE RICH!" [roar of acclaim, standing ovation, fog horns, confetti, flag waving, celebratory gun fire, conga line and balloon drop]
From the Vatican, the Pope issued his widely anticipated "Biggus Dickus Est Iniquitum" encyclical denouncing penis enlargement as "Satanic overreaching." Religious commentators widely expect this to be every bit as effective as previous papal bulls against lipstick, masturbation, push-up bras, birth control, sex outside marriage, nipple piercing, edible panties, rampant priestly pederasty, and spaghetti sauce without meat.
"We need more research," according to Fox commentator Sean "The Slizard" Hannity, "And why aren't we testing on homosexuals, convicts, dope-smokers and the rag-heads at Guantánamo?" Co-pundit Rush "Fattycakes" Limbaugh applauded Mr. Hannity's "sound medical proposals" as well as his "family orientation, his patriotism and faith, his inclusiveness and the size of his nose, hands and feet. I also like his soft, wet mouth.”
Reverend Al Sharpton called a news conference to pronounce, with a slow, wide smile, "This is not an issue which affects my constituency, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. Generous has been the Lord to His black children!" Mr. Sharpton went on to lead the crowd in singing "My Thang" and "Say It Loud - I'm Black and I'm Proud."
“We need to lay a big, thick, stiff, oil pipe dam-blam-thank-you-ma'am straight into the wide-open Alaskan bush
-- and then drill, baby drill!"
Governor Palin speaking to the Christian Coalition on "Pigs, Lipstick and Motherhood"
Despite the National Organization of Women's demand for equal funding, polls continue to show little popular support for larger vaginas, regardless of party affiliation. In a rare demonstration of bi-partisanship, male Congressional leaders of both parties stood on the Capitol steps to issue the following statement: "Un-American, immoral, completely unappealing and totally counter-productive to this country’s penis-extension goals. We don’t want to think about it and will take no further questions."
“They’ll have to pry my dick from my cold dead hands.”
Wayne LaPierre, President of the National Rifle Association
An NRA spokesperson later clarified that Mr. LaPierre probably meant his sniper’s rifle, or perhaps his Uzi, and not his actual small, limp penis. (Apparently, this misidentification leads to a common “slip of the tongue” among NRA members.) He also stated, “The association is a fierce supporter of the constitutional right to penis-enhancement products, including guns, giant pick-up trucks with steel testicles hanging below them, and customized taffy pullers.”
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Mr. Cheney on Iraq's prewar possession of WMD, Nigerian yellow-cake uranium, Osama/Saddam love letters, the Lost Ark of the Covenant, the Spear of Destiny, King Arthur's Excalibur, the Monkey's Paw, the Ring of Power, an Atlantis Death Ray, and 3 of those novelty-store handshake buzzer gizmos.
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