My Dearest Dave Barry
Hey, you big galumphus! How're you? Loved your latest stuff, Dave Barry!
Dave Barry, let's put aside for the moment the question of who's the premier humorist of our times. Whatever our disagreements, I believe we can both agree that love's the only thing this world has just too little of. And that's why I'm writing you today, Dave Barry - I'd love for you to compose a heartfelt review that might snag me a publisher, and you'd undoubtedly love for me to stop hacking onto your website to draw the "Fuck Me?" word balloon from your photo.
One back scratches the other, eh? You wash my hand, I wash yours, neh? A simple quid pro quo. We have a similitude of interests, so let's cut the crap and talk turkey, Dave Barry.
To make things as easy as possible for you, I've jotted down a few short, understated blurbs you might feel comfortable signing your name (i.e., Dave Barry) to. Pick any three:
I'd give my eyeteeth, earlobes and little toes to write like Henry E. Panky!
Genius is too niggardly a word to describe the inexhaustible sump hole
of his chimpanzee-like shenanigans!
More guilty hee-haws than Mel Gibson's "Passion of Christ"!
Henry Panky is one twisted, hemorrhaging super-pirogi of delight!
I laughed so hard my small intestine came out my nose
and onto my tie!
Henry E. Panky is better than bonefish!
(Florida market only)
Enrique E. Panky tiene mas sabor que chicharrones!
(Latino market)
A rib-tickling charnel house of saturnalian violence!
A sexy, luminous, bone-chilling game of psychopathic Hokey Pokey!
You'll be sniffing the meat juice off your fingers!
Move over, Seabiscuit,
Move over, Sedaris,
'cause there's a new boy in town,
and his name is Panky!
Dave Barry, people can be so cold. They'll disconcert you when they squirt you. They'll snake your pipes if you let them ... oh, but ... I guess what I'm trying to say here, Dave Barry, is that I'd like to be your friend.
If the requisite number of effusive blurbs are not forthcoming, get used to wearing a rabid weasel head on your website, Dave Barry. Please understand that it's only business. Personally, I think you're a handsome and talented man!
Warmest regards to the Dave Barry spouse, children and pets,
Henry E. Panky, Associate of Arts (candidate)
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